struggle

My Not-So-Secret Addiction

I have a vice, something I am addicted to and can’t quit no matter how much I try. I find myself sneaking away from the kids to do it. I do it first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I sometimes hide under my bed covers to do it. I do it waiting in car line and at the pool. I do it outside on the back porch and in the driveway while my kids play. I’ve done it in front of my parents, my husband, and my pastor. I stash it in my purse in case I find opportunity. I visit multiple websites to get my next hit. I visit one of my favorite suppliers a minimum of every two weeks to refresh my stash. I have researched and located places where I can get it cheap or for free. I’ve even managed to get one of my children hooked and the other one looks like he might follow in my footsteps as well. I have a real problem and, when I’ve admitted it to friends and family, some of them have become enablers!

I’m addicted to books. I love them! I love the information they hold, the stories they tell, the emotions they elicit. I like being transported to other countries, other worlds, other times. I get to see what other people’s lives are like all over the globe. I learn about things I’ve never studied or experienced.

If I bought every book I have ever wanted to read, I would have a home filled with books and no money for food. As such I have found multiple ways to feed my habit without going broke. Libraries are obviously the best source as they are constantly adding to their collection. They offer e-books in addition to physical books (and ours offers puzzles too!) so I can check out and read books without having to leave my house. Amazon sometimes has free e-books. I borrow books from fellow bibliophiles (and lend them as well). I receive emails from Bookbub offering free and reduced-price e-books. NetGalley offers free e-books in exchange for feedback to the publisher.

Three years ago I discovered book launch teams. That was a wonderful and time-consuming discovery. I have loved getting sneak peeks at some of my favorite authors’ newest offerings and being able to share them with other book lovers.

Our local community has an annual book swap where I can drop off my old books and come back and pick up new-to-me books for free. We have a 2^nd and Charles store that offers store credit (or cash, but I always take the credit because it is almost double the cash option) when you bring in o ld books and media. They also have a few “free” bins and I have found some books on my “to-read” list in them. Then there are thrift stores and yard sales.

There are so many places to hear about great books, too. I started listening to podcasts a few years ago and the ones I listen to often give at least one book recommendation per episode (The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey, For the Love with Jen Hatmaker). I discovered Modern Mrs. Darcy and her podcast (What Should I Read Next) which is a fount of book wisdom and suggestions, including the occasional reading challenge (I love challenges!). I am part of a FB group called For the Love of Books where we discuss favorite ones and help others steer clear of average or disappointing reads. I have a Goodreads account that lets me see what others are reading and read readers’ reviews of ones I am considering. Instagram has numerous book lovers and book accounts (I recently started my own @meganbyrdreads) for more suggestions.

Me, probably discussing books, with one of my favorite authors.

Having so much information and outlets available really add to the struggle. I have nearly two shelves on my bookshelf of physical books I want to read. I have at least 20 unread books on my kindle. It’s a serious problem.

I keep trying to set boundaries so that I can tackle the books I already own and decide whether to keep them or let them go (I’d like to only hold on to the ones I want to reference, reread, or share with friends or my kids when they get older). I have tried to tell myself not to purchase any new books, which is hard but doable, except that my birthday occurred recently and books were the only things I really wanted. I did hold myself back and only put six on my list, so that’s something I suppose.

I have tried to keep myself from joining new launch teams. Staying off of social media can help me stay unaware of these opportunities. I want to be more prudent and only apply if the book seems applicable to my present life circumstances or are from an author I already know.

I should also stop perusing the library’s website, delete Bookbub emails, and stay off of Netgalley. I have tried to be satisfied with adding intriguing books to my “to-read” list on Goodreads to reference later. It helps a little but it currently has close to 200 books on it so it’s not really a solution, more like a dam on the verge of bursting.

Perhaps it was a mistake to purchase so many bookshelves because they beckon me to fill them up.

I am tempted to feel ashamed or embarrassed about my apparent lack of control when it comes to books but then I will read something like the quotes below and feel that, perhaps, it’s okay to want to learn more.

“Read books are far less valuable than unread ones. The library should contain as much of what you do not know as your financial means, mortgage rates, and the currently tight real-estate market allows you to put there. You will accumulate more knowledge and more books as you grow older, and the growing number of unread books on the shelves will look at you menacingly. Indeed, the more you know, the larger the rows of unread books. Let us call this collection of unread books an antilibrary . . . An antilibrary is a powerful reminder of your limitations – the vast quantity of things you don’t know, half know, or will one day realize you’re wrong about.” – Nassim Nicholas Taleb

“The books we buy are almost as important as those we read. If the books we read reflect the person we are, the books we hope to read might just be who we aspire to be. There is something profound in that.” –Jess Walter

Books have helped me find community and encourage others by sharing the things I learn from what I read. I am also able to offer good recommendations to others who want an engaging read or a good book on a particular subject. So, while I should be careful I don’t substitute reading for actual engagement in my life and with the people around me, perhaps my love of books isn’t all that bad.

What is your relationship with books like? Where do you find good book recommendations? What has been your favorite book so far this year?

Embracing Smallness

Right now God is working in me to accept my smallness. He is calling me to find contentment in my current season of life and acknowledge that there is no guarantee that my role or influence will ever get bigger.

It’s not that I really want to have a huge platform, it’s more that there’s a voice in my head trying to convince me that it’s the only way my life will count for something. It’s an incredibly ridiculous thought when admitted out loud but that is what is pushing me to desire and strive for a traditionally published book. (Of course, there’s also no guaranteed that a published book will become a bestseller and make me a nationally recognized author – plenty of authors I love are unknown to many of my friends and family.)

The lie I am believing is that receiving financial compensation (such as a book contract) is the sign that I am valuable, that what I do and write matters. Intellectually, I know that’s not true but my heart is battling with my desire for significance. The Bible tells me that I am loved, chosen, and purposed (Colossians 3:12, 1 Peter 2:9, Romans 8:28). Jesus died for me. What greater of a demonstration do I need that I am valued and valuable?

I feel very insignificant, especially as a writer. My posts are read by few people and that can be disheartening if I let it. Or I can see it as a blessing. My anonymity is protecting me from receiving harsh and hurtful words. I know that I could not stand up under the attention some well-known writers receive. Nor do I currently have the bandwidth to interact with or respond to a large number of people each day. I would only feel that I was failing and disappointing people.

I read a book recently that encouraged me to embrace my smallness, to remember that everything starts out small, but also remember that not everything gets big. Some things stay small. What I am to focus on is my assignment, the little space God has given me to work and cultivate –my family, my writing, my relationships – and leave the results and growth up to him.

I do not have the eyes to see what matters most, how what I do impacts God’s kingdom. I cannot determine whether my efforts are valuable or trivial because I cannot see behind the scenes or into the hearts and minds of other people. Maybe only one person will read the words I wrote about my struggle with feeling lonely, but maybe it reminded them that God is with them and is loving and faithful.

I don’t know where my words go after I post them. I cannot control who clicks to read and who skips over the link. What I can control is my faithfulness. I can choose to keep writing, to share the ways God meets me and encourages me in my life.

It really doesn’t matter if I am ever known outside of my small corner of the world. What matters is the truth that I am already very much loved and known by my heavenly Father. What I desire above all else is to one day hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You are my beloved.”

Run Your Race

The message God is trying to get me to fully understand and integrate into my life right now is that I was created for a unique purpose and should focus solely on running my race in the lane I have been assigned.

I, like many people, struggle with comparison and envy. I am a writer. Part of me wishes to be a well-known writer. There are two main reasons behind this desire.

The first reason is the belief that if I am well-known, then I am a legitimate writer. The lie in my head is that only famous authors are real writers. Saying it out loud helps me to see the ridiculousness of that thought. There are millions of books in the world written by many different people and a small percentage are world famous. Many of the books I love are not written by world-famous authors. I have loved some amazing books written by people unknown to my friends. I fangirled a decent amount when I was able to meet a favorite author in person, but she is just a regular person like me. If we were playing “Famous People I’ve Met”, name-dropping the author’s name would probably be low on the recognizable factor to others. All this to say, even if I were a well-known writer, I still wouldn’t really be famous.

There is a second part of the lie: Only traditionally published writers are real authors. I don’t know why I believe this as well. I guess I equate someone else publishing my book as making me legitimate. That’s also not true. The point of publishing is to send your words out into the world with the hope that they help or encourage another person. It doesn’t matter how the message gets to the person, it can be just as impactful in a self-published book. The point is to GET IT OUT THERE.

I self-published a book a few years ago and still have not felt comfortable calling myself an author. I guess because it’s not a full-time job. But many authors do not make a living on writing. They have to supplement income with other things like freelancing, speaking events, coaching, and conferences. Did I write a book? Yes. Can other people purchase it and read it? Yes. Would I label someone else who has done these things an author? Yes. Does it matter that I have only published one book thus far? No. Margaret Mitchell wrote only Gone With the Wind and she’s an author. So are Oscar Wilde and Emily Bronte.

The other reason behind my desire to be famous is the belief that having a larger platform would mean that I have a greater impact of good on the world. That is also not true. The publishing industry pushes having a large platform so that they have a better chance of selling more of your books. They want a sure thing and are reluctant to take a chance on a writer with minimal apparent influence. I get that. They are trying to be business savvy. They have to make money consistently so that they can continue to publish great books.

This message makes me feel like the lack of a large audience of readers means my work is not important. I know it’s a lie but it’s one that’s hard to refute. I do feel like a tiny dot in a universe of amazing and talented writers. I could fall into the trap of comparing myself to those who have made it, and sometimes I do. But I don’t know how long and hard the “famous” ones have worked to obtain their current level of influence. Nor was I created to be the next (insert famous writer here). It also does not mean that my level of influence won’t increase as I become more dedicated and consistent in the craft.

I was created by God to love and serve the people here where I have been placed, in my family, on my street, as a SAHM. I don’t know what God wants to do with my life but I am ineffective and limit God’s ability to work in and through me when I compare myself to others or envy what they have, especially to the point where I neglect what I’m supposed to do because I don’t deem it important enough.

Maybe I will never have a recognizable name. And, if I’m honest, that’s not really what I want at all. I’m an introvert – I hate being the center of attention. My least favorite part of getting married was walking up the aisle and standing in front of a bunch of people, knowing they were looking at me – and those were all people who like me! Being known in the world opens you up to criticism and insult by people who know little or nothing about you.

Jesus wasn’t about building a platform. He invested deeply in a few people and loved well wherever he went. His aim was the Father’s will. Even with his limited travel and speaking engagements, he received a lot of criticism, insults, and hatred. He didn’t seek notoriety, just to be obedient. These are the things I need to be focusing on in all areas of my life including writing – seeking God’s will and being obedient. The results are up to God.

Let’s all concentrate on running our race!

The Discipline of Darkness

“At times God puts us through the discipline of darkness to teach us to heed Him. Song birds are taught to sing in the dark, and we are put into the shadow of God’s hand until we learn to hear Him…Watch where God puts you into darkness, and when you are there keep your mouth shut. Are you in the dark just now in your circumstances, or in your life with God? Then remain quiet…When you are in the dark, listen, and God will give you a very precious message for someone else when you get into the light.” ~Oswald Chambers

I have been reading In This Mountain, the seventh book in Jan Karon’s Mitford series, and read this quote last night. Side note: the Mitford series is fantastic! It is such an encouraging and faith-lifting read that I would highly recommend it to someone wanting an interesting story filled with hope and faith in the midst of the ups and downs of life. I also love that it’s set in North Carolina (NC State grad)!

At my Discipleship group yesterday morning we took turns sharing parts of our stories. After the fact, I wished I had expanded more on my struggle with loneliness and feeling disconnected the past few years. I consoled myself with the thought that I am working through my experience more as I work on my current book idea (about loneliness in motherhood).

Thinking through the quote I realized that I often feel the desire to write about the things I have struggled with in the hope that it will encourage others. It’s where both of my book ideas have come from. I had some rough times in college as I tried to make my faith my own and figure out how it looked lived out in my everyday life. I wish I had received more guidance in growing my relationship with Christ in order to perhaps have avoided some of my heartache in college. I have seen God bring good things from it, including a deeper knowledge of Him and His love for me. It also led to my first book.

My most recent low point, which was last fall, has birthed my desire to share my experience and hopefully encourage others who might be dealing with loneliness or feeling disconnected from community. I’m not completely out of the woods yet, but I have experienced God’s faithfulness and drawn closer to him through the struggle. Writing helps me to process my experiences and gain a better understanding of God’s presence and provision in my life.

It was encouraging to me to be reminded through Mr. Chambers’ quote that there is purpose even in, and possibly most especially in, our trials. I probably could do a better job of keeping my mouth shut during the darkness, though.

Finding Hope in the Struggle

God is continuing to help me work out this struggle with loneliness. I have felt that others do not fully understand what I have been trying to express about loneliness. I do not find it difficult gathering people together but am familiar with the truth that it is possible to be lonely in a crowd. My deeper desire is to belong and to feel known and that doesn’t result from a bunch of surface relationships. My other frustration has been in not receiving many invitations from others. But God has recently helped me to understand and admit that I have been focusing on the minor annoyances rather than on the many blessings he has provided for me.

When I was in church on Sunday I felt that God was asking me to just let go of my frustrations, give him the whole situation, trust him to do what is best, and turn my focus toward the blessings and express gratitude for what I do have (rather than lament on what I feel I am lacking).

It is a blessing that so many people accept my invitations. Most of the time people are willing to get together with me or my family and I should not discount that. It is a blessing that there are a few people who do extend invitations to me and my family. I don’t know why I want more people to do that as I would then be overwhelmed and not be able to focus on growing deeper in a few special relationships. I do have several good friends who are dependable and invested and I am remorseful that I have not seemed more appreciative.

I also think I have been expecting too much from various situations, having unrealistic expectations as a matter of fact. I did enjoy the party I hosted recently but I went into it knowing I would not be able to have any really deep conversations with anyone because my focus would be on everyone feeling welcomed, comfortable and enjoying themselves. We went to a community gathering for church over the weekend and I knew it would be another evening of short, not-too-personal conversations and I was able to enjoy it for what it was. I cannot expect every gathering to fulfill my need to be known.

I am continuing to learn that I can only be completely fulfilled and known in Jesus. I am working on being transparent with Jesus in meaningful time with him daily (because he already knows it all, why bother trying to cover anything up). I do believe that a large part of my struggle has been in trying to get people to meet a need only Jesus can fill.

I know the struggle is not over, but I have hope and confidence that I will be victorious in Jesus. I recognize the truth in Ephesians 6:12 “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” I have believed the enemy’s lies but have recently recognized them as being lies and have spoken truth to myself in these areas to refute the lies. The enemy is hard at work but I am becoming wise to his schemes and fighting back through prayer and God’s word. Sunday’s sermon at church had a quote from John Piper about being “more than a conqueror” (Romans 8:37) meaning that not only do we defeat our enemy (as conquerors do), but our enemy actually serves and helps us. So our weaknesses and mistakes can be redeemed and become beneficial. I know the truth in that and was appreciative of the reminder.

I have struggled throughout the past few years but am seeing some hope and purpose in it. I know I have not always been wise or grace-filled in how I have handled everything but I know that I am covered by grace and pray for forgiveness from anyone I have hurt during this process. I am as flawed and fumbling as the next person. I pray that others would see the hope and God’s faithfulness in my story. God has the power to redeem any and every circumstance and story.

Wrestling with Loneliness

I was thinking recently about the changes in my life over the past year. The first four months of the year were very busy and scheduled. I remember thinking that if I had a lot of activity it would get rid of my feelings of loneliness. It obviously didn’t because I wrote several posts about feeling lonely. Reading Jennie Allen’s book Nothing to Prove recently helped me to see that keeping a full schedule was the way I tried to numb myself from feeling lonely. I thought if I had a lot going on, I wouldn’t have time to be lonely. The only thing it did was keep me from facing my loneliness, allowing it to grow deeper while I kept it pushed back into a dark corner.

Being honest and admitting my loneliness was a good first step. But I was trying to find an external reason for my loneliness. I believed the lies that there was something wrong with me keeping others from inviting me to do things, that I was too much or not enough or just too normal/boring to be noticed. At one point I thought that maybe if my family had some huge issue or need, then people would see us, see my loneliness, and do something about it.

In May, God asked me to trust him with my loneliness. He asked me to set down my impulse to schedule things with people and allow him the opportunity to meet my need for connection and community. I set aside the month to see what God would do. I was pleasantly surprised to receive a few invitations from others. Not as many as I would like (I think I was still trying to stay busy to numb my feelings), but what I needed to be reminded that he is faithful and he cares about and for me.

I chose to continue to pare back my schedule over the summer and fall months. I have enjoyed not being so busy or rushed this fall. It has allowed me some spontaneous engagements and more time at home with family. I am also being reminded through this process that my worth is not determined by my accomplishments or achievements. I have often felt like doing less meant being lazy. But we need rest and refreshment and refusing to make time for both of those is not being a good steward of my body and health.

I am choosing to trust that there is a purpose in all of this. I have no idea what the big picture is, but I am enjoying the small things I am learning and the ways I am changing and growing. No, I don’t enjoy the waves of loneliness I feel but I am learning to turn toward God rather than away, which is my enemy’s goal.

Recently, my mentor and I talked about my struggle with loneliness. I was telling her what had been going on with our family and she noted that I have had a good amount of social engagement recently. I admitted that it’s not very challenging to get together with others. My frustration tends to stem from feeling that I have to shoulder the responsibility of organizing events and people. I wonder if it’s the enemy twisting my perspective to keep me from having community. Yes, I may have to ask people to do things with us, but most of the time I receive an affirmative which should be a sign that my company is enjoyable. And what’s wrong with being the organizer (as long as it is not completely draining)?

My mentor had more positive thoughts about my struggle. Perhaps the acute feeling of loneliness exists inside me in order to prompt me to reach out to others who may also be experiencing loneliness. I notice that not many people seem to invite others and perhaps they are too busy or also hearing internally that their presence is not desired or are fearful that their invitation will be rejected. Perhaps this thing that I lament can be the impetus that leads me to the community I so desire.

I have a friend who has organized her own birthday gatherings the past two years. She said she loved spending time with friends and would be disappointed on birthdays when she didn’t engage with others. She thought, Why not be in charge of my birthday agenda and invite my friends? It’s what I want and I know it’s worth it to put forth the effort.

This should probably be my perspective. And it is, sometimes. This spring I think I was just worn out and coming out of a season of too much work and not enough rest.

I am still swinging back and forth between trusting God and feeling contentment, and feeling lonely and left out. Perhaps this will always be a cycle for me. At least I know that God will always be with me and is able to provide peace and encouragement. I will place my hope in the belief that good will come from all of this and it will be to God’s glory.