Megan Byrd

Writer

relationships

The Comparison Trap

I sometimes struggle with feeling like I am behind on accomplishing my dreams because there are people younger than me who are already published authors. I love the reminder that God’s timing is perfect and if my desire/dream is his will, is something he planted in my heart, then it will happen when it’s supposed to and how it’s supposed to. I can’t thwart God’s plan.

This is exactly the lie that Satan wants to feed us and that we…are so eager to swallow – believing that we need what she has to ensure we matter. That the lives we’ve been gifted are somehow diminished by the successes, joys, opportunities, or accomplishments of others.

~Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

There’s so much advice on how to achieve goals. I feel external pressure to follow a specific formula in order to become a published author. There’s a plethora of sources willing to be the measuring stick I am not meeting. Satan often tries to get me to focus on specific journeys by others to get me to believe that there is only one way to becoming published.

The truth is that there are many different stories of how people found themselves with books on shelves in others’ houses. I should be wise in seeking help for whatever step I’m on, but I should not fall into the trap that because my path isn’t looking just like so-and-so’s that it means I’ll never reach my destination. Very few writers have their first book sell millions and reach a world-wide audience. Often an author has written several little-known books or received a number of rejections from publishers before being approved.

I don’t know how my story will end up, but I can trust that God knows and will guide me each step if I remain dependent on and obedient to him. Yes, I have to be faithful in working on my dream with the current time and resources I have. It’s an active participation with God.

Satan also tries to make me believe that I have nothing valuable to contribute and no qualifications or authority that makes my contribution desirable or useful to others. He is trying to get me to give up before I really even get started.

Before you were born, you were already known and seen and set apart for specific, profound purposes. So there is no way that your girlfriend or favorite pastor’s wife or neighbor or office mate could possibly steal that thing you were built to do. You don’t need to panic or hard or hide. You only need to answer. Just say, yes.

~Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

I have to continuously remind myself that God is faithful, that his plans will come to fruition, that his purposes for me will be fulfilled whatever they may be and however they may look. He has purposed me, he has planted me where I am and is working even in seemingly unproductive seasons where no progress appears to exist toward my goals.

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This is the fifth post of a series exploring some of the ideas in Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding and Keeping Lasting Friendships by Lisa-Jo Baker. If you’re interested in reading the other posts, please click on a title: The Fear of Missing Out, Finding Our Approval, Guilt-Free Friendship, Celebrating, Mourning and Other Aspects of Friendship and Working Through Negative Feelings.

Celebrating, Mourning, and Other Aspects of Friendship

Friendships are very important to me. As someone who does not have the blessing of family nearby I have to depend on the relationships I form where I live to give me the social and relational time I desire. I want to have the healthiest, most live-giving relationships possible so I have recently sought advice and encouragement on having solid friendships in the book Never Unfriended by Lisa-Jo Baker. It was so good that I want to share some of the truths I found in the hopes that you, too, can enjoy quality relationships in your own life.

What can you do to find safe, loving, engaged friends whom you can trust never to unfriend you? Become radically invested in the people around you. Take the initiative and become that kind of friend first. The kind of friend who: 1. Draws us closer to God. 2. Draws us closer to others. 3. Helps us become the real person God created us to be.

~ Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

I do want to be someone who encourages others, especially my friends. I know that I have a gift for encouragement and I want to use it for the benefit of those around me. I want to be someone who supports others’ dreams and celebrates with them when they find success. I want to be someone who is still present and supportive when there are setbacks or heartache.  I want to be someone who is there through thick and thin, who is quick to show grace and think the best of others. I want to be someone who is a safe place for others, who is willing to do what I can for those around me.

Fine means the end of a conversation; the beginning of nothing. Now it’s time for the battle cry that if Truth can set us free, it’s best to start living in those places. Maybe going first and admitting our un-fine isn’t a weakness; instead, it’s a gift to the women around us who can finally exhale and admit their un-fine too.

~Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

I do want to be willing to admit when I need help, when life is not all roses. I want to share my struggles so that solutions and encouragement and support can be found. If I continue to pretend everything is fine when I am actually hurting, it will be difficult to encounter healing. It is better to seek assistance than to try to go it alone – healing may be found faster and more completely.

Showing vulnerability makes me more accessible. I am not up on some perfect pedestal, but am in the trenches of real life with everyone else.

Admitting my struggle invites community. It invites others to gather around me and utilize their gifts and abilities for God’s glory and honor. Without it I am forfeiting others’ opportunity to be a blessing.

Do we have it in us, though, to go the distance? Do we have it in us to keep walking with our friends…Will we stay through the long, cold dark with them or will we tire and want to untie ourselves from a story that doesn’t have a convenient or happy ending?

~Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

This is an uncomfortable area for me. I feel helpless and out of control in the face of another’s grief. I feel awkward and useless. I have heard that sometimes just sitting with someone as they grieve – being physically present – is all that is needed. Words are not necessarily magical healers. You probably can’t say one perfect thing to immediately remove the grief. Grieving is a process and takes an unknown amount of time. I want to be willing  to walk along side a friend as long as I’m needed or useful, even if that means a lifetime of support.

My tendency with uncomfortable feelings and emotions has been to distance myself from whatever the source of them are. I want to become more willing to sit in the uncomfortableness with others and seek to be a part of their healing (when needed) even when it’s awkward and I feel useless for doing anything that seems meaningful. I want to remember to just show up and trust God to show up with me and do his thing.

I have noticed that I struggle to sacrifice and be inconvenienced for my relationships. I am embarrassed by this but awareness is needed before change can occur.

How do you think you score as far as supporting your friends’ dreams? Do you also struggle with hanging in there and helping a friend walk through difficult times? 

 

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This is the fourth post of a series exploring some of the ideas in Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding and Keeping Lasting Friendships by Lisa-Jo Baker. If you’re interested in reading the other posts, please click on a title: The Fear of Missing Out, Finding Our Approval, Guilt-Free Friendship, The Comparison Trap and Working Through Negative Feelings.

Guilt-Free Friendship

Relationships take work, and they’ll slowly die off…if we don’t tend to them and water them with regular time, conversations, and interest.

~Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

Yes, it’s obvious that relationships take work. My struggle is with not wanting to feel that the burden is solely on me to do the work if I want to keep them (and perhaps this is a lie from the enemy that I choose to believe at times). Relationships take two people and if I am the only one making a concerted effort, is it really a relationship? But then what does it mean to make an effort? Yes, reaching out takes time and intention. But so does responding affirmatively to an invitation. If I ask and the other person chooses to do what is needed to be able to respond or make a meet up happen, then we should both be credited for having put forth effort. Sometimes I err in thinking that being the initiator equals doing all of the work.

There are seasons in life where one person has more resources available to put toward the relationship – more time and energy – but, after a while, those resources can become depleted and make the person feel apathetic because the apparent returns have greatly diminished (though if we’re focusing on what we can get out of the relationship, our head is probably not in the proper place).

When I am feeling depleted I am tempted to give up, to stop making an effort and let the relationship die. I hate when that happens because, obviously, I once deeply cared about the relationship and still like the person. Perhaps it’s just time for me to rest and let the relationship idle for a bit until more attention can be given to it. I probably ought to pray about the situation – ask God if the season of this relationship has passed and it’s okay to let go and move forward, if he has more purpose for the relationship and it’s just a temporary break or if I need to continue to persevere in reaching out. I’m still trying to navigate this area.

Guilt-free friendship says that anytime you get back to me is a good time. Guilt-free friendship says that I will always assume the best about your motivations. Guilt-free friendship says that I won’t keep score when it comes to e-mails answered or phone calls returned. Guilt-free friendship focuses on  the friendship and ditches the guilt. Guilt-free friendship loves any chance and any slice of time to catch up; it isn’t about criticizing how much or how frequently that happens. Instead, guilt-free friendship is generous and forgiving and creates easy space for reconnecting because it doesn’t have any conditions for how or when or often that happens.

~Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

I would love to have a heart that always leans toward guilt-free friendships. I want to be able to enjoy friendships wherever and whenever the opportunity to connect arises. In some of my friendships I have achieved a mindset where I do not feel neglected for not having regular contact and am thoroughly able to enjoy those times we do get together and reconnect. In others, I still want more effort or intentionality from them. I don’t know why I have different desires for seemingly similar-dynamic friendships. I suppose that’s just more work that needs to be done in me.

What about you? Do you ever struggle with intentionality or reciprocity in relationships? How do you navigate the ebbs and flows of friendships?

 

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This is the third post of a series exploring some of the ideas in Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding and Keeping Lasting Friendships by Lisa-Jo Baker. If you’re interested in reading the other posts, please click on a title: The Fear of Missing Out, Finding Our Approval, Celebrating, Mourning and Other Aspects of Friendship, The Comparison Trap and Working Through Negative Feelings.

Finding Our Approval

We all seem to be born with a constant desire for approval. We want someone to affirm that we are valuable, that we are seen, and that we matter. From our early days we look to our parents to see their reactions to our behavior. We want the attention and to be told we are good or doing well. It’s not bad to want to be liked and approved but our problem comes when we become dependent on what others think, when our sense of self-worth is strongly tied to the words and actions of others toward us. I have been guilty of allowing my emotions and sense of value to ebb and flow based on the feedback (or lack of) I received from others.

It is not healthy to base your approval or validation on another person. People are fickle and can change their opinions daily. Often people are more focused on their needs and circumstances and do not have time to bolster the self-esteem of others, especially on challenging days. God, however, is faithful and is always available to remind you that you are loved and accepted. His desire to share his love for you with you does not wane. He does not get tired of being needed by you. He does not condemn you for needing constant reminders of your value. He created us to live dependent on him, to seek him for our daily/hourly/minute-by-minute needs. Why not tap into our ever-present, ever-full cistern of love and approval?

If we are constantly disappointed by how our friends don’t live up to our need for encouragement, the problem might be that we’re expecting the kind of soul validation they’re not equipped to give.

That greedy, desperate black hole hungry for affirmation, acceptance, love, and validation down in our guts will never be satisfied by what humans dole out in small, limited portions of approval.

~Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

I have definitely made the mistake of thinking another person can fill up my lonely places. That job is way too big for a human being. My lonely places are there to cause me to seek God and to depend on him to fill me with his love and acceptance and peace. This lonely place is a never-ending hole and only something infinite can ever hope to begin to touch the depths of it. We are finite beings, we are not meant to do God’s job of completing another person. It has taken me awhile to really get this truth.

When the urge for validation from another person rises up in us we need to recognize it for what it is – a signpost.

To learn to spot those panicked urges for approval as a big, loud, screaming neon sign that my universe-sized hunger for affirmation needs to go to the universe-sized God.

~Lisa-Jo Baker, Never Unfriended

This is why it’s important to know what God has said about me and to stay in his Word. It is beneficial for me to memorize scripture for exactly this reason. If I remind myself of what God has said about me – that I was known before I was born, that I have been specifically gifted and purposed, that I am loved and accepted and fully known – then I do not need people to approve of me. But, when I am not consistently reminded of the truth, insecurity will begin to creep in and I will be more susceptible to the opinions of others and begin to crave acceptance from people. I hope that when I begin to feel insecure, I will recognize that as a need to turn to God for encouragement and a reminder of the truth about who I am.

Have you also fallen into the trap of seeking your approval from others? What has helped you when you struggle in this area?

 

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This is the second post of a series exploring some of the ideas in Never Unfriended: The Secret to Finding and Keeping Lasting Friendships by Lisa-Jo Baker. If you’re interested in reading the other posts, please click on a title: The Fear of Missing Out, Guilt-Free Friendship, Celebrating, Mourning and Other Aspects of Friendship, The Comparison Trap and Working Through Negative Feelings.

My Favorite Things

It’s Friday Five time! Last September I participated in a weekly blog link up and enjoyed having a specific prompt to write on. I found that writing weekly was too large of a commitment for me at the time. When I saw the prompt for today I thought it’d be fun to try to jump back into the fray. This week’s challenge is to share five of our favorite things. That gives me a whole lot of wiggle room. I’m just going to dive in and see where it goes.

  1. Sleep. Oh man, I love sleep! My body loves sleep! When allowed, it will try to average nine hours of sleep per night. This rarely happens, especially now that we have a school age child. Also, more recently I have come to prefer other things to extra sleep, mainly a quiet house so that I can spend some quality time in prayer and devotion reading first thing in the morning. I have a tendency to feel guilty when I sleep longer than everyone else so I will head straight downstairs instead of taking time for this important and beneficial activity. I would rather miss a little sleep than feel guilt. I also know that if my body doesn’t get good sleep for several days in a row that I will get sick so I try to avoid multiple nights of less than 6.5 hours.
  2. Books. Yes, I realize this is a very generic thing but I’m not sorry. I LOOOOOOVE books! I am almost always reading at least one book (usually two). My favorite genre is Christian living. I also like autobiographies, historical fiction, humor, action and adventure, classics, comics, decorating, cooking, organizing…I will read just about anything. I have read a large number of picture books and chapter books since having children and enjoy many of those as well. I don’t particularly care for most science fiction, horror or super gushy romance titles. I’m sure there are a few other genres I don’t care for that I haven’t listed. Reading is my haven, my escape from reality, my relaxation and me-time. I would much rather read than watch tv or a movie. If I am alone, it’s my go-to activity. If you like books, I can talk to you for hours. I am always eager to share about my most recent favorites and recommend ones I think you might enjoy.
bookshelf
This is my actual home library.
  1. Exercising. Once again, generic. Exercising makes me feel good physically, mentally and emotionally. “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.” (Elle Woods, Legally Blonde) I don’t know about anyone else, but there is a lot of truth in this statement. No, I have never wanted to shoot anyone, but a happy wife/mom creates a much more positive environment for her family. I played sports growing up which didn’t feel like exercise to me, but rather enjoyable activities. I learned how to play tennis when we moved to Georgia and enjoyed that as well. I have tried to find exercise forms that are more fun than work. It’s probably why I don’t care much for running. It feels like work. I have had a couple of instances when it wasn’t terrible, which is progress. However, I prefer classes where people can push me to work hard. I have really increased my practice of yoga the past couple of years and, while I don’t always sweat, I have been sore the next day a number of times. I have also seen improved flexibility and strength. Anywho, obviously I love exercising.

happy quote22

  1. Beauty in nature. I love a brilliant sunrise or sunset (though I’m more likely to witness the latter – see favorite #1). I love a breathtaking view of mountains and valleys, of an endless ocean, of sandy beaches, millions of stars stretching across a midnight blue sky. I love the vibrant colors of fall leaves and spring flowers. I love the sound of babbling streams and the crash of waves on the shore. There are so many wonderful things to see and experience outdoors. I enjoy hiking through the woods and spotting animals, hearing birds call, frogs croak and the wind rustle the leaves. It is so peaceful and calming.

agriculture-arable-clouds-countryside

  1. Deep friendships. I am an introvert. I thrive in close one-on-one relationships. Nothing makes me feel more alive and connected than sharing the things of my heart with someone and them reciprocating. It is an honor and a privilege I do not take lightly. I love when I find someone I can be very open and honest with and receive acceptance and love. These relationships are not formed quickly or often but when they do, they are so refreshing and restorative. I gain healing from giving and receiving truth.

 

It turns out my list of “things” aren’t really things at all. Yes, books are tangible items, but I read a lot of books borrowed from the library and friends so it’s not about the physical book. It’s about the experience of learning, of engaging with new ideas or an imaginary world for a bit. That was a very interesting discovery.

So there we have it. Five of my favorite things. These have been some of my favorites for a long time. Are any of them your favorite? What would your list look like? I’d love to hear from you!

Also, please check out mrsdisciple.com to read other #FridayFive lists.

My Goals for 2017

  Last year I was fairly ambitious with my goal setting. I was not successful in keeping them all perfectly, but the real aim is improvement and growth. Normally I would beat myself up for failure but I have been growing in my understanding and acceptance of grace.

  Last year I also learned more about trusting God and the importance of rest. I still struggle with choosing rest over productivity at times but I am seeing the benefits of resting and trying to rest in the knowledge that my worth and value and acceptance are not based on achievement. I have subtitled 2017: The Year of Less. With all of that said, this year’s goal list is short.


1. Call one family member each week.

  For some people this is something that is a regular part of their life. That is not the case for me. My family is spread out, mostly on the western side of the country. I see some of them about once per year. My immediate family has never really been one for regular communication – we don’t have a history of contacting one another unless there’s something important to share. Since I’ve had kids, we have had a little more frequent contact, mainly Facetime/Skype so my parents can see the grandkids. But anyone with small children can tell you that not a lot of important information is able to be communicated while conversing with toddlers and preschoolers.

Facetime with my niece

  Last year I struggled a lot with loneliness and a desire for greater community. I realized that I could do something to feel more connected with my family members – more regular communication. I’m not a huge fan of talking on the phone (part introvert, part distraction from my kids), but it’s the most effective option for me at this time. I would like to feel like I am more aware of what’s going on with my family and hope that this will improve our intimacy and connectedness. 

  I have thus far called a different family member each week and have enjoyed catching up. I can tell it surprised them to have me call randomly. One person was concerned that something was wrong because I was calling them (proof I should call more often). I think I will enjoy this goal very much. Even if I don’t manage to connect with someone weekly, I will benefit from more regular contact however frequent it ends up being.
2. One date night with my husband each month.

  Again, I realize that some may see this as a low bar, something they easily achieve. Once again, not for me. It’s not that we struggle with wanting to spend time together away from the kids. We enjoy date nights. In the past our schedules have been too full to have time for a date. We also have to find a babysitter every time because we don’t have family nearby. With finding a babysitter, our date night costs are greater than we’d like sometimes. But money should not be what keeps us from having some fun, maybe even an adventure, to keep us connected.

  It helps that our kids are older and easy to babysit. They’re practically self-sufficient. Having it as a goal will hopefully helps us to keep date night a priority in our minds. We’ve already had to reschedule January’s date three times (once for weather, once for a change in plans, once for babysitter conflict). Not a huge deal as we haven’t settled on an official plan. I am finding it humorous (and not surprising) that the first one is taking so much time and effort. The enemy enjoys trying to thwart our efforts. Knowing there are eleven other dates to plan is helping me to think of things we could do or places we could go for a different experience. It is exciting!
  Additionally, we are working toward going on a couple’s vacation this year. We haven’t had a real vacation without the kids since before we had kids (so at least 7 years). We did have a day trip in Sedona and a couple of days in Yellowstone a few years back but I’m talking about taking a plane somewhere where we’re completely out of contact for a bit. I’m definitely looking forward to this!

  So those are my official goals for the year. It appears the focus is on relationships. It seems like a natural segue after all of my loneliness talk last year. I felt that these goals were Spirit-led so I am excited to see what happens.

  I do still want to work on blogging more regularly and being present with my family at home. There are always a myriad of possible improvements in my life but I recognize that I don’t have to do it all at once (or, actually, do it all period). I’m also still going to make sure reading is a regular part of my life as it’s something that helps me relax and refresh but I don’t have a set goal for books this year.

  I do also have a goal (desire) to finish my book revisions and have it available online before May. It has a deadline so it’s a little different from my regular goals. We will see how that goes.

What are your goals for 2017? Have you made so many that you feel overwhelmed before you started? Perhaps cut the goals in half (or by half)? Remember the spirit of setting goals – motivation to work on something you want to improve in your life.

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