Right now God is working in me to accept my smallness. He is calling me to find contentment in my current season of life and acknowledge that there is no guarantee that my role or influence will ever get bigger.
It’s not that I really want to have a huge platform, it’s more that there’s a voice in my head trying to convince me that it’s the only way my life will count for something. It’s an incredibly ridiculous thought when admitted out loud but that is what is pushing me to desire and strive for a traditionally published book. (Of course, there’s also no guaranteed that a published book will become a bestseller and make me a nationally recognized author – plenty of authors I love are unknown to many of my friends and family.)
The lie I am believing is that receiving financial compensation (such as a book contract) is the sign that I am valuable, that what I do and write matters. Intellectually, I know that’s not true but my heart is battling with my desire for significance. The Bible tells me that I am loved, chosen, and purposed (Colossians 3:12, 1 Peter 2:9, Romans 8:28). Jesus died for me. What greater of a demonstration do I need that I am valued and valuable?
I feel very insignificant, especially as a writer. My posts are read by few people and that can be disheartening if I let it. Or I can see it as a blessing. My anonymity is protecting me from receiving harsh and hurtful words. I know that I could not stand up under the attention some well-known writers receive. Nor do I currently have the bandwidth to interact with or respond to a large number of people each day. I would only feel that I was failing and disappointing people.
I read a book recently that encouraged me to embrace my smallness, to remember that everything starts out small, but also remember that not everything gets big. Some things stay small. What I am to focus on is my assignment, the little space God has given me to work and cultivate –my family, my writing, my relationships – and leave the results and growth up to him.
I do not have the eyes to see what matters most, how what I do impacts God’s kingdom. I cannot determine whether my efforts are valuable or trivial because I cannot see behind the scenes or into the hearts and minds of other people. Maybe only one person will read the words I wrote about my struggle with feeling lonely, but maybe it reminded them that God is with them and is loving and faithful.
I don’t know where my words go after I post them. I cannot control who clicks to read and who skips over the link. What I can control is my faithfulness. I can choose to keep writing, to share the ways God meets me and encourages me in my life.
It really doesn’t matter if I am ever known outside of my small corner of the world. What matters is the truth that I am already very much loved and known by my heavenly Father. What I desire above all else is to one day hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant. You are my beloved.”